[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
You Might Also Like
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
Doctor: Step on the scale.
Me, 1st pregnancy: With or without my shoes?
Me, 2nd pregnancy: With or without the jacket?
Me, 3rd pregnancy: With or without the rotisserie chicken?
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
Stop being racist to kettles.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once