Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
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I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
oh that’s just my emotional support rolled up carpet in the trunk, officer
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Whenever I see WHOA spelled as WOAH, I assume it’s referring to Noah’s evil twin whose Ark housed all the insect and arachnid life.
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?