[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
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Autocarrot sucks!
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Yup.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.