*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
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him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
They’re stuck in your pants?
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying