[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Hit me in the face with a bird
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Never let them know your next move 😂
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.