My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
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google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I put the h in mysterious.
Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.