My love language is deader than Latin
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4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
This hospital has everything
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos