Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
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People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins
walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas
WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust
me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
i can’t wait that long
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.