May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
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I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
pelicons
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My grandfather just figured out what instagram is so now he says “#nofilter” after every casually racist comment he makes.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
maintenance guy came into the men’s room at work and shouted “is anyone in here?” and in a normal speaking voice someone in the cubicle next to me said “why?”
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.