When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
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[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.