I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
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Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?
Me: Sounds like we had a good run.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
There’s no training in the world as physically and mentally grueling as trying to give medicine to a toddler