I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
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[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.