ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
You Might Also Like
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
[Getting phone call from the School]
Teacher: I’m afraid I have to inform you, your son was in a fight.
M: Did he win?
T: That’s not really relevant.
M: It is to the winner.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
I found a flea on my dog and sprayed him down with a homemade vinegar solution and now I know what pickled dog smells like.
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.