him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
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“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
alien: these are your ancestors?? lmfaooo 💀😂😂
[shows me a video of a monkey jumpin around goin ooh ooh ah ah]
me: [getting really defensive] that was a long time ago. turn that off
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.