me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
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My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
ㅤ THE CORONAVIRUS
PROS: CONS:
-Alone time – Might die
-Cool facemasks
-Can horde toilet
paper without
seeming weird
-Might die
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
I came this close!!!!
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
I finally found a reason to live again.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it