Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
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“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
this post was so formative to me
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[police interrogation room]
Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..
Me: Let me stop you right there.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
I know this now 😂
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras