My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
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christening a ship with an overripe banana
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
[Being chased by a bear in the snow]
Me: Should we hide??!Her: *putting snow on herself* make yourself as white as you can
Me *loudly* I find potato salad too spicy
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Coffee is ready.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear