My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
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Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!