I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
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Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
A double negative is a big no-no.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Tai Chi in the streets. Chai Tea in the steeps.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I answer with an automatic “Yes” each time my mom says “Oh, have I told you…?” I could miss out on something good but chances are slim.