cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
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I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
*Santa lifts a rug while sweeping and finds a dusty, crumpled note*
“Please keep my family safe, love Bruce Wayne.”
*Santa grows very pale*
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college