So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
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my mind
You just read my mind
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Schrödinger’s cookie
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.