Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
You Might Also Like
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.