Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
You Might Also Like
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
WIFE: so what do you want for christmas?
ME: [thinking about a bed made out of lasagna and instead of kicking off the sheets at night i eat a layer of noodles] oh probably some tools
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope