Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
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My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
I just want what every middle-aged person wants: to remember what it was that I wanted
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.