October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
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Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
#Caturday
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
💻🤡
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
me after drinking all the wine:
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
The internet is magic sometimes.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.