Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
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I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
look at me when i’m typing to you
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Yup.