Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
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First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.