*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
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I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
just make the entire table out of coaster
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?