[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
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Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Kids only want one thing and it’s to play with whatever their sibling is playing with
😅😅😅
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.
*ate all the cheese and cookies
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work