I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
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All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
LMAO
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
No point crayon over spilled milk.