Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
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trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.