[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
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ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
*Passing the same coworker in the hallway more than once:
Don’t look at me, I already said “Hi” to you.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
*brings vasectomy paperwork to speed dating*
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting