getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
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[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
Think I pulled my liver
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.