So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
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Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge
Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
Spider-cat: No One Home
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting