[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
Starting to think that adult supervision is a myth. In fact, my eyes seem to be getting worse.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands