is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
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morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
ME: *pulling up my pants* What’s the prognosis, Doc?
DOCTOR: You’ve got cancer.
ME: WHAT?!
DOCTOR: Haha. Jk. I’m not a doctor.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Oh no, I’m taking the entire package of snacks with me when I go back to the couch.