My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
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Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Ron is short for Aaronald
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!