My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
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My ideal weight is five million dollars
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.