Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
You Might Also Like
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
A girl named ReAnne laying in bed each night wondering if she had an older sister named Anne and where she went wrong
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.