[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
You Might Also Like
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
SCARY COSTUME
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
These aliens are taking forever.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”