Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
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My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours