To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
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If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
handsome & gretel
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.