A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
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To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My dad teaching me to drive
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I remember when hashtag meant it was your turn to fill the pipe.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.