[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
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[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
god: awful nice planet you got there
earth: thanks
god: it’d be a shame if someone…
earth: please don’t
god: created humanity
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.