Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
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Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
no i don’t want to allow notifications from your online publication. no one HAS ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication and no one WILL ever wanted to allow notifications from your online publication. weirdass
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Happy Thanksgiving
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
<- sleeps well with others
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone