Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
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It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
*kneels to pray*
“Hello, God?”
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“NO, INDIA.”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Good: being told by your friends that you have a big heart
Bad: being told by your doctor that you have a big heart
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now