CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
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Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
ME RETWEETING: l must cultivate only the most hilarious and inspiring jokes for my followers in these challenging times.
ME TWEETING: A chupacabra that played basketball would be a hoopacabra.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.