Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
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[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
Guys, have you ever become so fed up trying to undo a bra that you wished you hadn’t put one on in the first place?
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Love that ‘beat the number’ electronic sign speed game!
So fun when the officer celebrates your high score with the lights & a certificate!
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
Strangers have the best candy.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.