Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
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Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside