I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
You Might Also Like
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.